You can't stop it, but you can lighten the load.

There is no ladder which helps me escape the well of depression I experience, metaphorically speaking. But there are things which make it a little easier, things which allow me to identify an escape route in addition to medication and therapy. In this post, I want to set out some of the practical things I do to help me survive each depressive episode I experience in the hope that this may help others either directly, or to allow this to be passed on to any friends, family or colleagues readers may know to have depression.

First thing’s first, there are some things which you should avoid saying to a depressive, particularly if they are in a depressive episode. I’m talking about the age-old clichés which have been floating around the vocabulary of society since long before I was even a glint in the milkman’s eye. One-liner’s which are often regurgitated with the best of intentions but can have a harmful impact on the psychological state of people like me, depressives.

I actually have a metaphorical ‘black book’ of things people have said to me over the years in an attempt to cheer me up, make me feel better and entice me out of a depressive episode. I want to make clear though, these things were never said in malice, they do however, represent what many of us have known for a long time – that society hasn’t developed the language to support people who suffer with their mental health.

Here they are:

-       “However bad you feel right now, remember, there is always somebody else much worse off than you”. I particularly hate (which is not a word I use often) this one, it is likely hearing chalk scraping its way down a blackboard.

-       “Remember, at least you have your health”. This suggests that mental health holds no parity with physical health.

-       “It will all be alright in the end”. However, true, it never feels like this at the time.

-       “You need to pick a better mindset”. Depression is not a choice.

-       “I think you’re just stressed; you’ve been doing too much”. It is never that simple.

-       “It sounds like you’re suffering from anxiety, not depression”. This makes me really cross, it’s a statement which suggests the two are mutually exclusive, they aren’t.

These are profoundly unhelpful statements, however well-intentioned. Whatever anybody tells you, language matters and the trivialisation of depression, whether deliberate or not, will simply compound feelings of worthlessness. Remember what I told you in my first post about depression, this kind of response is the obstacle to people speaking up about their state of mind. If you trivialise it through statements such as the aforementioned, you’re almost certainly adding to the depressive’s feeling of “I’m hopeless, I don’t deserve success and I have no right to speak about the way I’m feeling because it is, and I am, worthless.”.

Anyway … now that we’re clear on what not to say to a depressive, let’s talk about the practical things someone who is suffering with depression can do to help lighten the load. I’m not saying these will work for everybody (remember, this is a blog about my experience and I have no medical or psychological qualification to allow me to advise others in the traditional sense), but they have certainly allowed me to survive my depressive episodes and given me a series of tools which make these bouts a little easier, if just by half a percent.

I must be clear, generally speaking I can only employ these tools and techniques if I am somewhere between 2 and 7 on the depressedometer (see last blog post for an explanation). As I explained in my last post, anything from an 8 upwards generally means I haven’t the energy to do anything other than sleep, cry and wait for the storm to pass.

So, what are these tools I speak of?

1). Tell somebody – this was tough, particularly for pre-therapy Jake … but I have developed a small circle of people who I now feel able to tell when I feel depressed (Fiancée, Mum, close friends). Despite my distain for some old adages, ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ sums up nicely the positive impact telling somebody that you’re feeling depressed can have.

This is much easier said than done and sometimes disclosing how one feels to friends, family and work colleagues can in the short term add to the emotional struggle that comes with depression. Up until 2018, I confided solely in charities and mental health support organisations like the Samaritans and whilst this didn’t solve my ill-health (nothing will), it did in the past stop me hitting the magic 10 on the depressedometer.

2). Writing – I am currently in a depressive episode, probably about a 5 edging to 6 (I’ve been fluctuating between 5 and 6 since yesterday at about 8pm). But the process of taking thoughts out of my head and placing them on paper lightens the load. It doesn’t need to be in blog-format, you can put them on paper, online or even on your phone through a series of voice notes. For me, I almost physically feel like the dark thoughts are leaving my brain and parking themselves on the screen and in doing that, I am better-able to deconstruct and rationalise them. My head actually feels lighter after this process and personally, I find it really powerful and effective.

3). Reading – I am a huge fan of literature of pretty much any kind (there are of course some exceptions). But simply reading during a depressive episode is a distraction technique and as a depressive, distractions are very bad indeed (in my view anyway).

Imagine having a rotten tooth but doing nothing about it and instead: supplementing it with Anbesol; eating on the other side of your mouth; and avoiding the affected area when brushing. Sure, it might take your mind off the pain and you might have found some practical means of avoiding further antagonisation, but the rot won’t stop and will lead ultimately to the loss of the tooth and potential secondary complications. Avoidance or distraction where depression is concerned is as harmful to your mental wellbeing as developing workarounds for a rotten tooth is for your oral health.

When I say reading, I mean reading books, blogs and personal accounts about depression. Sometimes these are just an insight into someone else’s depression, sometimes they’re a sort of ‘self-help guide’ for depressives and in other cases, they’re fictional stories where the main character suffers with their mental health. Whatever the context, the content is always relatable to the condition I am in at the time and gives me the cosy comfort-blanket of knowing I am not alone, that there is an end in sight and that others like me have identified softening techniques which I too can benefit from.

I am not exaggerating when I say, YouTube clips of and books, blogs and articles written by Alastair Campbell (former Downing Street Communications Director and mental health campaigner) literally saved my life in 2018.

4). Volunteering – Depression is ultimately a feeling of worthlessness and when I hit my mental-health crisis point in 2018, I spent the vast majority of my time either at work or on my own. Part of my recovery was to do something far more rewarding than anything else I was doing at the time (aside from being a partner and a father) so I ran a half-marathon in order to raise money for and awareness of mental health issues, I became a support volunteer for people with depression and anxiety and I became a youth football coach.

I cannot describe the joy I get from coaching youth football. Aside from the fact I have a fantastic group of players with amazingly supportive parents, that in some way however small I am helping these kids improve their: health; wellbeing; ability to play team sport; and the soft skills they’ll need to succeed in life (punctuality, teamwork, leadership, respect, communication), allows me to recognise that I am not worthless and that by sacrificing nothing more than my time and energy, I am bringing practical benefit to the lives of others.

When I’m in a slump, I remind myself of the benefit and joy I do bring to others, both as a father and fiancée, but as a coach too. My under 15s football team, along with my daughter and my fiancée give me a reason to push on, even in my darkest moments.

 

I hope that by sharing these experiences, others will benefit. If of course you have any counter-opinions, comments or questions please just let me know.

I have been asked by a former colleague whether I would consider sharing as best I can my experience of hitting crisis-point in 2018 so others can identify when they might be experiencing a breakdown or that they’re driving towards one. I will of course do so and will publish this in my next blog entry.