The Depressive's Fiancee.

I am often wrapped up in my own little world during a depressive episode. This isn’t by design, but the all-consuming nature of depression makes it hard to see past the slump one routinely finds themselves in when they score a five or above on the depressedometer (see previous post titled ‘Today I am a 4.’ for more info). Consequently, there is a routine failure by many depressives and those expressing an interest in or participating in a conversation about ill mental health, to forget the other people most impacted by this cruel disease. I speak of the many partners, wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends, parents, close friends, siblings and extended family members of sufferers.

During a bout of 03:00 AM insomnia last week, I spent about thirty seconds watching my fiancée, Holly, sleeping. As I observed her looking completely at peace, I couldn’t help but wonder ‘Wouldn’t her life be so much easier if I wasn’t around?’. What prompted that relatively abominable thought was the cocktail of guilt and sympathy I have felt and continue to feel as a consequence of the strenuous impact my depression will inevitably have on her, though this is something she herself continues to understate, such is her empathetic and generous nature. It isn’t the first time I have carried this thought and the remorse I feel has been far more intense than it was during the hollow hours of Wednesday morning.

The manifestation of my depression in the past has been withdrawn, snappy, removed, sulky and uncommunicative behaviour towards Holly and it is easy to underestimate the impact this can have on her and the close ones of other depressives, particularly if the episode was unanticipated and its severity had acutely worsened.

As I type, I am reminded of several depressive episodes which have caused me to inflict a degree of emotional pain on Holly and where my behaviour has been at best abrasive and at worst, completely withdrawn. I have ruined birthdays, special occasions, nights out and even parts of holidays, all because the grey cloud has inconveniently descended upon me and I have been powerless to do anything about it.

This powerlessness can only be matched by the helplessness the partners and close ones of depressives must experience. The feeling of standing on the sidelines as you watch the emotional state of your brother, father or significant other deteriorate, whilst they continue to reject your attempts to converse and offer help, or worse still avoid engaging with you in any capacity, at all. Depression isolates, not only the sufferer but all those around them.

Since publishing this blog, I have been contacted by a sizable number of people who have depressive partners, children, siblings, parents and friends, and they all give a very similar account. Not only do they feel powerless to help, they feel responsible for the suffering of their loved one and given the behaviours I have previously demonstrated as illustrated above, this is hardly surprising.

It is important that the conversation about mental health is extended to encompass those close to sufferers so as policy and treatment develops and progresses, this is given the due consideration it deserves as part of that dialogue and decision-making. There are though, some things that those close to a depressive should remember, in order to help best support their suffering associate and to offer themselves the comfort that they are not alone and more importantly, they are neither powerless nor responsible.

Learn about depression – The more you know, the better equipped you are to adapt when depression hits your nearest and dearest, but also how you can best protect yourself from any unnecessary feelings of responsibility.

Encourage treatment – A major lesson I have learned is that there is a plethora of support options for depressives available through the NHS, employers and charities. The support can take the form of things like therapy and medication, both of which have a proven track record of helping depressives survive and go on to live a happy life.

Try to establish the warning signs – Working with your depressive ally to identify the signals which indicate a depressive episode is on the horizon, can help you both prepare and will provide you a rationale for the behaviour in which this will result. The ability to rationalise this will help you avoid self-blame.

Don’t be afraid to talk about it – Many depressives are grateful for the opportunity to talk about their mental ailments and the feedback I have had since this blog went live has only served to prove that. You do not need to have the solution, just being there, listening and reassuring your loved one that they are not alone can make the world of difference.

At this point, I turned to Holly who was sat next to me on our grey corduroy corner sofa embarking on a brand-new Netflix series. I ask her:“If you could give the partner of a depressive one piece of advice, what would it be?”.

A 45 minute chat which resulted in us reliving some of my, and subsequently our, lowest moments and recognising how far we have come was what followed. Ultimately though, she believes there are two key things that the friends and loved ones close to a depressive should remember (I did say one, but as ever she has ignored my brief):

1). It is not your fault – Holly’s view is that, in the early days her lack of understanding of depression and the way my suffering from it has always manifested itself, has left her blaming herself in the absence of a ‘reason’ for the way I behaved during a slump.

2). Don’t waste time trying to stop it, but learn to live with it – We were reminded of a serious depressive episode (a 9.5 day) I experienced during an Ed Sheeran concert in Cardiff in the summer of 2018 and how at the time, she felt utter despair for me and absolute confusion in trying to answer the imponderable question ‘How do we stop this happening again?’. Her view is that a lack of knowledge about depression and its very unique and individual nature means that this is a question which she routinely asked herself in the early days, based on that knowledge gap.

She reminded me that, after what we now dub “Ed Sheeran Day”, she took a number of practical steps to succor me in managing my illness, one of which included buying me a journalistic style notepad in which to record my thoughts, a practical support which I feel sure will have contributed to my eventual production of this blog.

I hope that this proves useful for those close to a depressive and offers some hints and tips based on the experience of Holly and me. I am also ambitious that sufferers following this blog will share this with their loved ones to provoke a conversation about the impact depression has on them and how we can, with the means outlined in this post, give them the support that they deserve and need.

As always, questions and comments welcome.

Thank you for reading.