Today I am a 4.

It is a common misconception that those of us who suffer with depression, experience it as if it were a cold or a headache, like an ailment that will at some point just ‘pass’ with the help of some Night Nurse and a hot water bottle, or in the case of mental illness, anti-depressants. The reality is though, depressives are always depressed, and the ‘condition’ never actually disappears, it is simply that the severity of the symptoms fluctuate constantly depending on several external factors and the sufferer’s ability to manage them.

Each day, I measure the severity of my depression using a basic ‘one to ten’ scale (a tip I got from Alastair Campbell, former Downing Street Communications Director and avid mental health campaigner), the pinch points in my scale help me to establish how I am feeling and the steps I need to take in order to manage my mood at that point. For the purposes of explanation, I call this depressedometer (a little grim I know):

1 – Absolute contentment.

2 – Great, but for the odd niggle.

3 – I’m good, not great, but good.

4 – Meh.

5 – Knot in stomach, rough night’s sleep – today is going to be a struggle.

6 – Proper depressive episode territory, something terrible is going to happen – I can just feel it.

7 – Not responding to texts or calls today, unless I have absolutely no choice; body feels like lead; constant nausea; uncontrollable temperature;  I’m definitely ‘abrasive’ in tone; stuffing my face will distract me; I will need to find time to sleep during the day, I haven’t the energy to get through without it.

8 – I’m in trouble now and definitely crying with some consistency; I can’t shower or get dressed, what’s the point?; likely to be isolating myself from even the closest around me; I see myself in the mirror and what’s staring back at me repulses me; everything I have I will lose any day now because I don’t deserve to have it; I’m simply not good enough for anyone, or anything.

9 – My bed is my only source of sanctuary; duvet on head; no food – I haven’t the energy; I won’t be leaving the bed today; I’m worthless; hopeless; incapable of any role personally (father, partner) or professionally I hold; I’d be better off dead.

10 – Suicide.

As I type, I feel slightly nauseas seeing the word “suicide” in this blog and that is likely because I have never reached number 10, even in my darkest moments. But the reality that it could happen, not just to me but to anybody, the fact that anyone’s self-worth could decline to the point of taking their own life, sends chills ricocheting through my body like a ping pong ball in a Perspex box.

Despite having never reached a 10, I have been dangerously close, and when I reflect on the point at which my depression and self-worth hit rock-bottom in 2018 (I have suffered for much longer, but 2018 was a point of realisation which I’ll share at some point in the very near future), just how close I was to ‘the magic number’ is stark, frightening and well, deeply upsetting. I only wish my awareness then, was what it is now.

These days I have a reasonably well-packed box of techniques for managing and living with my depression, and as a general rule of thumb my mood probably averages a 4.5 overall. At my happiest I am a 2 and at my most depressed (since the interventions I received in 2018) I probably get to an 8.5, but mostly my depressive episodes score a 7.5.

I recognise that my ‘scoring’ system and the way in which I link it to my mental-health may appear to trivialise the situation somewhat, but my intention is to illustrate to readers in a simplistic way what depression looks and feels like, using a method which holds some relatibility. In doing so, one hopes that those suffering will be able to adopt some of these techniques to at least help them identify where on the scale they sit at any given moment, and then once this is established, make use of the ‘methods of management’ I intend on sharing in future posts.

The depressedometer doesn’t have to be exclusively for the use of depressives (which somewhat undermines the name I have assigned it), because ultimately we all have a spectrum of happiness (probably a much better brand-name) and I would strongly encourage everybody to start each day by applying this simple concept. Why? Because I believe that the key to happiness is to understand the point at which one can define oneself as happy. Understanding precisely what happy and unhappy feels like, helps us to deconstruct the path that lead to each point so we can duplicate the steps which take us to ‘1’ and demolish (as best we can) the pathway to number 10.

I recognise that despite the old adage, not everything does happen for a reason and the scientific rationale behind depression and its source are complex, unclear and hugely variable dependant on the sufferer. Some depressives have deep rooted complicated emotional circumstances which lead to their illness (a traumatic life experience, grief etc) and others are the victim of a neurological chemical imbalance. So I understand that the pathway to depression and indeed to contentment isn’t always clear and cannot in every case be anatomised. But to develop a mechanism which at least recognises when one is experiencing ultimate satisfaction, suicidal temptation and everything in-between, is key to harnessing the good and eradicating the bad parts of that process, even if that involves medication and therapy as it did in my case.

So start tomorrow by establishing where you are on the 1-10 scale and in future posts, I’ll share some of the tactics I use to manage my mental state at the various stages on the depressedometer.

As always, questions and comments (including challenging arguments) welcome.