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I am a depressive.

I actually feel at peace saying those four words. It is a common misconception that people who suffer from depression don't like to talk about it and whilst this is often the case, it is also true that some of us actually enjoy discussing our mental ailments.

Despite the satisfaction I get from talking about my suffering (the reasons for which I will share in a future post), I have one over-riding fear - that I won't be believed. Don't get me wrong, this post isn't a cry for help, those close to me are all aware that I am a depressive and that I have it, broadly speaking, under control (with the help of therapy and regular medication). 

That I seek no help in making this statement or publishing this blog still does not eclipse the tummy-churning prospect of the inevitable response of some: "never had this depression crap back in my day", "what's he got to be depressed about?", "he looks pretty happy to me", "Oh it's just nerves and anxiousness, we all get it, doesn't mean you're depressed", "Funny how he has depression now he wants a few more hits on his blog". The last quote is not one I've yet heard but the preceding statements, all of which are direct quotes from conversations had with me or about me, lead me to conclude that it is at some stage, more likely than not to cross somebody's lips or thoughts.

Blatant disregard, deep skepticism and simply non-belief of anyone who shares that they are in a depressive state, are the very obstacles towards speaking about it in the first place, they are the cancer that is causing people to take their own lives in record numbers. Seems obvious, no? but the reality is, in my darkest moments people in which I had absolute faith that they would be there no matter what and that above all they would believe me, disappeared amongst a sea of incredulity.

In the interest of transparency, I'm going to share with you some of the common symptoms of my depression, in the hope that it might enhance the awareness of anybody reading to either their own suffering, or that of those around them:

  • Tiredness to the point of struggling to lift limbs
  • A persistent knot in the stomach
  • Adverse reaction to light (keeping your head under the duvet or the lights off)
  • A metallic taste in the mouth (yup, honestly!)
  • Unusual eating behaviors (a mixture of over-eating, under-eating and bulimia) 
  • Pounding headaches
  • Inexplicable crying
  • Paranoia
  • Erratic body temperature
  • Feelings of worthlessness
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Doing everything you can to avoid engaging with people
There are more, but those are the main side-effects I have personally experienced since I realised I was a depressive. Don't get me wrong, I don't experience all of these every time I have a depression and some are more prevalent than others, but the reality is depression is more than just "low mood". Depression is an underlying feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness, accompanied by a series of harrowing side-effects which cannot be easily controlled even with the aid of medication.

Now imagine battling with those symptoms and using what little energy you have left to share your struggle with people whom you genuinely believe will offer you some solace, only to be greeted with distrust and cynicism. Would you feel inclined to speak to somebody else and see if they have something better to offer? Or would your confidence have crumbled to such a degree, that you even start to doubt yourself? What do you think happens when one suffering depression is (either by accident or design) forced to question whether they are actually suffering and whether their feeling of worthlessness is really worthy of the attention they're seeking? Note the paradox "whether their feeling of worthlessness is really worthy of the attention they're seeking?".

Nobody is perfect, and society hasn't yet fully developed the language to equip people to support their close ones when depression hits. But the very minimum required from all of us, as human beings, is that we believe the call for help until we have evidence to suggest we should not. Where depression is concerned, cynicism is the root of all evil and this can only be countered when we all adopt progressive and inclusive attitudes to mental health and when we simply start to believe people who claim that they are suffering.

The facts and the scientific evidence relating to depression has never been more readily available or advanced. We all have a responsibility to do our homework, to ditch the misbelief and to believe others when they tell us they are in a depressive state. The current global situation demands this now, more than ever.

As always, comments, thoughts and debate always welcome.



P.S: Some contact details for organisations which can support anybody suffering with a mental illness:
  • Samaritans - call 116 123
  • SHOUT - text SHOUT to 85258
  • Campaign Against Living Miserably - visit thecalmzone.net
  • MIND - call 0300 123 393





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